I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Randomize
