I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
