3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
