I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He told me they were just razor bumps!
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
