The maid of honor just puked.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
