You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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