why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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