I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Non-Jews are for practice
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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