Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize