I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
