I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
