I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
