I could make wine with my vomit
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
