either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
