the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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