there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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