i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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