I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Randomize
