I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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