dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
