just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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