Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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