do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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