And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
