i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
