my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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