Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
So apparently I’m into choking now
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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