upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
