My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
