i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
