Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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