I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
