just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
