You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
