I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
