I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
