so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
