I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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