Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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