I met the friendliest cop last night
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
