I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
