I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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