I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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