i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
