so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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