Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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