My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
3 2 1 whiskey
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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