Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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