Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
