I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
