I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Randomize
