on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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