I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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