Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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