Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize