Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Randomize
