who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
