Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize