My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
