You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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