Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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