That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
