I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
this hospital has no fireball
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
